he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
How naked do you want me to be?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
