Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
