Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
