Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
