my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
