imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
