I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
