Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
