Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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