who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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