I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
