it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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