I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
