I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
