My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
