You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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