you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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