Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
