You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
