Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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