I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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