no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
