I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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