Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
