I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
