My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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