tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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