Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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