Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
