Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
pop tarts are not kleenex
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
