Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
