The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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