i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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