First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
