I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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