one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize