I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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