She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
