You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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