my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Someone shit on the floor
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
