Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
