My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
