I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
