You just made me feel so damn special
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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