too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Never joke about your clitoris.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
