Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
