He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize