you guys were way drunker than both of me
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
