last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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