Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
