I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
