would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
