Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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