I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
