I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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